Common dreams - between spouses~!

My neighbor in Saudi, Steve,  broke up with his wife of twenty years. He fell hard - shattering not only his heart but his dreams.His wife had gone for a vacation to their home country, and called in to say she was not coming back. Not only she was not coming back, she wanted out of his life.True to their culture, she was honest. "I have found another man, and he is accepting me for who I am!"

He poured his heart out to me after a session at the snooker table.

I listened, with an occasional emphatic groans and understanding nods.

I wish I could tell him, "Bunga bukan sekuntum, lagi pun tak berterusan harum!" I didn't. He would have been very confused with the Malaysian words of wisdom. When a man has given all of his twenty years trying to achieve his dreams, which he thought was their shared dreams and have just gone through a shattering divorce, I must accept all of his sorrows without judgement.

Separation through a divorce is more painful than through death! Especially when there are no proper closures.

"I only plan to work here for another five years. Then we would have enough in our bank account to tour the world, to walk the golden sand holding hands, to sit watching sun-sets, and to simply pause and smell the roses! That was our dreams...to own a house by a sea resort in Spain, and retire happily ever after!" He told me.

It was his dream. His wife, although have shared the same bed for twenty years, was harboring a different dream. The sad thing was, for me, he didn't realize that and didn't see what was coming.

On hindsight, I have seen the clues for the past one year we have been neighbors. The forlorn look on his wife's face. The long hours she spent on her laptop by the pool side. The frequent phone calls she had to take by slipping out of their house. I have been seeing those, but i too thought that was normal.

There are two points I wish to make.

The first point is about sharing a dream - a couple who shares the same dream tend to be happier and to stay together. What ever the dream is, it is only worth pursuing if every of the stake-holders believe, share, and own the dream. In a family, husband, wife, and children are all stake-holders. Decision about where to live, what to spend on, where to go for vacations, and what happiness mean, must be a joint decision. Of course, as a husband and father, the man of the house is normally expected to take the lead. But, to involve everyone he must!

Dreams not shared, could easily turn into nightmares! Steve had to find it the hard way - when it was too late!

The second point is about detecting troubles well ahead of time. There are visual indicators which couples should be wary of. A sudden change in mood of your spouse, should trigger sufficient sensitivity for a conversation to find out what are bothering him/ or her. A change in ritual activities; for example if a spouse keeps disappearing into the laundry room to take a phone call, that should raise alarm bells. Genuine ccuriosity into the state of emotion of your spouse is a necessary element of a healthy relationship. A 'Don't care' attitude can breed contempt. Contempt, if left unattended can manifest into an explosive rage. Then, it will be too late.

A man or woman who feels that he / or she is taken for granted is vulnerable to external advances. Not taken seriously as an equal partner in the pursuit of a common dream can make one feels that he/ or she is not valued. Lack of sensitivity from a partner in caring about the feeling of the other, can re-enforce that notion.

All of us can learn from Steve's experience.
Steve said, "If only I knew, she didn't want that Villa in Spain and was unhappy while keeping me company in Saudi, I wouldn't have worked so hard. I could have gone back to England with her, and she would have been happy and our marriage might have been saved!"
He knew, but too late.

Hopefully, it is not yet too late for us!