You owe her a goodbye...!

Pre amble:
I was attending a meeting in Amsterdam. Actually it was a farewell party for me given by my ex-boss at Unilever. While on the trip, I met a lady who told me about her 'broken heart', when her boyfriend for over a decade just walked out on her. Upon my return, I wrote the entry below.

Dear Heart breaker,

I am writing this letter to you not because I know you, but because I know the person whose heart you have just broken. You left without explanation. You disappeared without goodbyes. That was not the way you started years ago....for then, you treated her like a princess. You showered her with kindness. You lifted her high. And now you dropped her shattering ....Why?

You may have found someone new. But, it is only expected that before you move on to the new....for you to end the old! A proper closure is as necessary as a proper beginning. Why do you leave it hanging. Why are you making her feel cheated and feel stupid. Do you realize that you are hurting her? Yes, she is the same person whom you have protected from being hurt by others for the past years.

Heart breaker,

Please do not make she to curse the day she surrendered her heart to you. Make yourself worthy of her love and the love you have shared with her. The love you once offered..Most importantly, I think you owe it to yourself, to have the guts to say why you are leaving, that you are having a change of heart..even minor..even slight..

What you have done to her, is similar to treating her like a toy on a shelf...for if this one does not work.. you dump, and pick up another. In case you have forgotten, you are no longer a child picking toys in a toy store. You are adults dealing with people's lives. Before you move...take a look at your past...Have the courage to say goodbye.

Do not make them feel small...do not make them feel blind...Before you move....heed these words from the wise.."love is blind but hate has eyes".

Dear Heart breaker,

As humans, we are not immune to a change of heart. When we do change, it is also best to be open and move on with our own lives. But there are ways on how to leave.

We are talking about your feeling and her feeling here. So involve her in a discussion. Give her an equal chance to plot out what is the best way to deal with the situation. How do both of you transcend from being people in love to being ordinary friends. As the saying goes, "Please have the balls".

Dear Heartbroken,

I apologise for not being able to stay longer listening and providing support to you during this difficult period. What you shared with me will remain private. I am posting here an open letter which may be useful to you and others with similar experience. For as long as there is love, there will be heartbreaking moments - the best we can do is to be better at handling those moments when they happen.

We grieve break-ups. Love is a beautiful thing - a feeling of being alive and appreciated. When love comes to an end, our happiness is destroyed. Our sense of security disappeared. We have to deal not only with the loss of our partners, but also the loss of ourselves. The former, is not within our control. But the later - ourselves - is within us not to lose. We may lose everything, but must never lose ourselves!

Accepting that it is over! To me that is a critical step. I personally found writing down on paper why the relationship has to end really helpful. Write down pluses and minuses of continuing, and soon we ourselves will realize that breaking up is the best thing for both parties. We may even be surprised why were so blinded before. Hopefully....that is the case with you too!

Be aware of natural emotional and intuitive reaction to blame ourselves as the cause, and to pursue in mending a broken relationship. Everyone requires help and support from friends at this stage. Have a heart to heart talk with trusted friends. Don't blame yourselves, and with acceptance that it is over, do not pursue. Find your own closure, if closure with the heart breaker is not possible. Bring yourself up a level - pause, and be aware of your own strengths. How special you are as a person. Focus on your great values and traits. Love yourself!

Forgiveness is a great healer! By forgiving ourselves, we can save our emotion from downward spiral of self-pity and self-sabotage. By forgiving ourselves, we can move on faster and quicker. And secondly, it is about forgiving him. This is second, because unless you have forgiven yourself, it is not possible to forgive him fully.

Forgive him, even if he does get to know about it. From personal experience, by forgiving a heavy load lifted. It is liberating!

On the reverse side to forgiveness, anger and vengeance are so potent in poisoning your own heart. Bitterness generates negative thoughts and actions. Stay positive, be forgiving!

I know that I am making all sound easy. No, it is not. Break-ups are not easy. And if your own effort and even with the help of your trusted friends do not help, then it is necessary to seek professional advise. We live this life only once - live it to your own plot and script, and not to the plot and script written for you by the heart breakers.

A few more practical tips :

- Get rid of any thing which reminds you of him. His ashtray, his favourite CDs, his aftershave, etc etc.

- Stay close to trusted friends and relatives with whom you can open up freely and who understand you.

- Stay close to God. His love and compassion are unconditional.

- If it works better, take vacation from work. But keep yourself busy. For some it is better to stay at work. Know what works best for you.

- Develop new rituals and routines that aren't dependent on the other person.

- Indulge for yourself. Treat yourself to SPA, hairdo, new pair of shoes, etc. Feel good about yourself.....Relaunch yourself! This is an opportunity to be a new you....

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"

~Mother Teresa