More on approaching FIFTY..~!

Will my conscience sleep!

When you are away

will my conscience sleep

should I leave the door open

for cool breeze to soothe my feet.

While you are asleep

why am I awake

staring into darkness

finding solace in emptiness

shall I let my conscience floats

like foams on troubled water

blown by winds and dance with the waves

broken by the shore

does that even our scores?

Will my conscience sleeps

when I serenade out of tune

to the full moon outside

while you turn in your own bed

so what do we keep?

a promise?

or what we think is right?

or a reality which bites!

Tonight, like every other

i'm a traveler enveloped by summer

loneliness is my pillow

darkness hides my sorrow

and i curl here, alone

on my own

and you

on your own.

Again morning sun comes too soon

taking away the darker side of the moon

jolted by this break of day

I want to scream out my dream

but instead I whisper softly your name

for in my heart - I confess without shame

you are my conscience!

you keep me hanging on

when I am at the end of my rope

you tie me a knot

when I am on a slippery slope

you are my conscience......

you keep me going

you give me hope.

-idham, 26-08, room 829, crowne plaza, dubai.

When I was a young boy, I looked up to men of fifty with awe and fear. Awed for they somehow looked very wise, ones who had answers to every questions. Feared because they came across as stern, serious and unapproachable. The death of my father robbed me not only of a fatherly love but also of a father figure. I grew up envying my friends, and feeling sorry for my mother. I tried to help her with what little plot of rubber trees we had. I remember my early childhood as one filled with love but also with loneliness. I was feeling sorry for my mother each time I heard she cried in the darkness of the night. Each morning before Fajr prayer when I heard her reciting the Quran I felt hope and calmness. When I was a little boy, I wanted to be successful for her sake and for the sake of my sisters who had sacrificed their own schooling to make way for me. My mother could only afford one of us through school. Orphaned at a young age myself - I felt for the boys at the Darul Izzah.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be thirty. To me at the time, being thirty means happiness and fulfilment. I dreamt of having a family, having a good job, owning a house and having sufficient money to spend. Looking back, I was right only on having a family and owning a small house. The job was ok but I remember frustrations of having to do things which in my view were trivial and counter to my intuition. Financially I was constantly in the red at the end of every month. I used one credit card to pay for another, and was constantly digging holes to cover another holes of expenses. Life wasn't as sweet as what a teenager me dreamt of.

By mid thirty I have committed all the sins imaginable and had erred on many of my own decisions. Learnt from most of them I did, and as a result I had grown wiser and smarter in handling life's tribulation. By this time, I was able to say to most "I've been there, I've done that". Mentally I refused to grow older beyond mid thirty. A promotion into a directorship position brought along a new level of income which afforded us a bigger house and a luxury European made car. Life was fun at mid thirties....and I did not want to grow any older.

A combination of money, power and mid-life crisis made my decade of being forty a colourful phase. My marriage went on the rock - all my doings, and survived - all credit to LiL's enduring love. My career progressed into the international arena - moved from KL to Singapore then to the Middle East. I lost my dearest mother, and were blessed with our youngest son. I became financially independent - being an expat has a lot to do with it, but emotionally dependent - having lost my mother, I experienced a huge void in my life.

The forties were probably the most glorious years of my life. By this time, I have seen three quarter of the world having traveled to all of Asia, most of Europe and Africa, parts of North America.

Approaching fifty on 26-08, I wish for calmer waters for my ship to sail. I wish for good health, for wisdom to prevail in my decision and action. I wish for more time with my family. I wish to keep and nurture my existing friendship and not make new enemies. Life is a loan to us all, and I have almost paid off my interest and now reducing my principle. At fifty plus, I am an 'orang tua' but hopefully one whom young kids does not find too stern and too fearsome. For I hope they will see the child in me still wanting to play.....

To my own children, I will gently remind that as you grow into being young men and woman

and your mom and I grow older......the equation of love changes. Older people are more sensitive - so be more perceptive with us. We tend to be grumpy - bear with us. We may be forgetful and losing things - help us to remember. We may fall ill - nurse us with kindness. We may advise when you least want us to do so - pause before you shut us up.

We are your parents whose love never dies. All I am asking is for you to be our children whose love continue to grow with each passing day!

To LiL and my children,

Thank you for the birthday party you did for me in Kuala Lumpur. The gifts are wonderful...and I really appreciate your loving thoughts and gestures.

"Brief is Life, But Love is Long......" Quote from anon.