Morning sun steals into Anis's bedroom, softly kissing her face. Still half asleep, Anis turns her face away from her bedroom window. She reaches for her mobile phone. Something which is not there disappoints her. No messages! No miss calls! "He doesn't care! No one cares..."she thought, and sinks deeper into reclusion. Without her consent, warm tears trickle down to her pillow.
The cycle of her ups and downs seems to be out of equilibrium. Lately, she is having more downs than ups. There are many mornings when she doesn't feel like getting out of bed at all. There are many nights when she can't seem to go to sleep without first creating some kind of a nightmare in her mind. She often wonders whether it is all worth the effort - the separation, the sacrifices, the absence!
Curling there under the warmth of her pastel yellow duvet, she some how feels unsafe! But unsafe from what? Living in Newcastle, a city of beer, coal mines and football has never made her feel unsafe. There are some fifty other Malaysian students there, and she has also met with two Malaysian ladies in their forties who are married to 'Mat Salehs' and have set up homes in the upper class end of Newcastle. Kak Nah and Alicia, both have been there for more than 20 years, but still speak fluent and very good Malay. In fact, kak Nah's Kedah slang is still as original as any makciks she knows back home. Not to mention her laksa and fish head curry! More than good enough to curb her yearning for Malaysian food.
Yet, when she is in her own room, she often feels unsafe. In the privacy of her room, sheltered from the reality of the world and demands of her studies and thesis, she let her imagination wonders wild into space. It is her imagination which makes she feels unsafe. She imagines about her future, her love life, her fiance thousands of miles away in Malaysia. Is he being faithful to her? Is he missing her, or even thinking of her? Why doesn't he send her a message or calls her on her birthday, today!
With that thought, her silent tears turns into a sob. She lets tears flow, and she lets her body shakes. In fact, the last time any communication between them has been a long time back, 17 days to be exact! That too was initiated by her! The last time Firdaus tried to call her was one month ago! "I called, but you did not pick up !" was what he claimed when she called back after seeing a missed call on her mobile.
The demands of her studies, trying to complete her PhD, is keeping her sane and going, and perhaps even living! Her heart has been broken to pieces before when her love of eight years ditched her to marry a daughter of a Dato'. She wanted the earth to open up and swallow her then. Eight years of dreams they painted together on a white and clean canvas shattered. Eight years of friendship which blossomed into a romance, adorned with countless memorable moments along the way vaporized into thin air. "How do you feel?" He asked, tightly embracing her.
"Blissful!" she whispered to him. That was on a night which changed her from being a girl to being a woman. That night, they drew their promises of a beautiful life together, to be happy ever after, on the white sandy beach of Pulau Pangkor. In that drawing in the sand, her heart was circled by his bigger heart. Then they both drew a box around the two hearts and sealed it with a lock! And they kissed under the moon light, their hands locked and their lips entwined. Their hearts shared a common rhythm, and they caressed and let slow danced to the songs of the ocean!
The recollection of the past, only makes her sobs turns into weeps. "Fendi! I hope you are happy...then at least my misery has some meaning to it!" she oftens comfort herself with the same mantra. His happiness, is her happiness!
She pulls her duvet to her face. She bites at the edge. he calms down. Biting and suckling the edge of the duvet provides her with some comfort, perhaps not unlike a baby seeking comfort in suckling a mom's nipple. Her weeps subsides into a sob. Soon after, her sobs stops altogether. She wipes her tears, take another look at her mobile and with a sigh, she gets up and out of bed.
"What ever will be will be! I am not getting hurt because of you Firdaus!" she walks into her bathroom. She needs to be ready! She has a group discussion within an hour. She likes her group discussion. The presence of her buddies, cheers her up! The focus on intellectual discussion, activate her mind away from idle emotional state. She loves it too when Idham, the guy who speaks English with heavy Kelantan slang, teases her....with and about anything! Idham is not as good looking as Firdaus, but he is gentle and very funny. If she needs a reason to smile, she needs only to think of him. And in his presence, she grins non-stops and laughter comes naturally.
"Errmm, why am I comparing Idham to Firdaus!" she mumbles over the noise from her hair drier.
She chooses her favourite blouse, just nice for the spring time weather. Or is it, Idham's favourite blouse? Whatever. She smiles...and for the first time since last summer, she applies a red gloss lipstick to her lips. "Muahhzzz!" she made the sound as she pouted her lips and admires her own beauty.
"Happy birthday to me!" she said, and blows a kiss to herself in the mirror!
end.
(cerita rekaan semata2...hehehe....idham sempat juga inter-frame tu! ahaks!!)
The cycle of her ups and downs seems to be out of equilibrium. Lately, she is having more downs than ups. There are many mornings when she doesn't feel like getting out of bed at all. There are many nights when she can't seem to go to sleep without first creating some kind of a nightmare in her mind. She often wonders whether it is all worth the effort - the separation, the sacrifices, the absence!
Curling there under the warmth of her pastel yellow duvet, she some how feels unsafe! But unsafe from what? Living in Newcastle, a city of beer, coal mines and football has never made her feel unsafe. There are some fifty other Malaysian students there, and she has also met with two Malaysian ladies in their forties who are married to 'Mat Salehs' and have set up homes in the upper class end of Newcastle. Kak Nah and Alicia, both have been there for more than 20 years, but still speak fluent and very good Malay. In fact, kak Nah's Kedah slang is still as original as any makciks she knows back home. Not to mention her laksa and fish head curry! More than good enough to curb her yearning for Malaysian food.
Yet, when she is in her own room, she often feels unsafe. In the privacy of her room, sheltered from the reality of the world and demands of her studies and thesis, she let her imagination wonders wild into space. It is her imagination which makes she feels unsafe. She imagines about her future, her love life, her fiance thousands of miles away in Malaysia. Is he being faithful to her? Is he missing her, or even thinking of her? Why doesn't he send her a message or calls her on her birthday, today!
With that thought, her silent tears turns into a sob. She lets tears flow, and she lets her body shakes. In fact, the last time any communication between them has been a long time back, 17 days to be exact! That too was initiated by her! The last time Firdaus tried to call her was one month ago! "I called, but you did not pick up !" was what he claimed when she called back after seeing a missed call on her mobile.
The demands of her studies, trying to complete her PhD, is keeping her sane and going, and perhaps even living! Her heart has been broken to pieces before when her love of eight years ditched her to marry a daughter of a Dato'. She wanted the earth to open up and swallow her then. Eight years of dreams they painted together on a white and clean canvas shattered. Eight years of friendship which blossomed into a romance, adorned with countless memorable moments along the way vaporized into thin air. "How do you feel?" He asked, tightly embracing her.
"Blissful!" she whispered to him. That was on a night which changed her from being a girl to being a woman. That night, they drew their promises of a beautiful life together, to be happy ever after, on the white sandy beach of Pulau Pangkor. In that drawing in the sand, her heart was circled by his bigger heart. Then they both drew a box around the two hearts and sealed it with a lock! And they kissed under the moon light, their hands locked and their lips entwined. Their hearts shared a common rhythm, and they caressed and let slow danced to the songs of the ocean!
The recollection of the past, only makes her sobs turns into weeps. "Fendi! I hope you are happy...then at least my misery has some meaning to it!" she oftens comfort herself with the same mantra. His happiness, is her happiness!
She pulls her duvet to her face. She bites at the edge. he calms down. Biting and suckling the edge of the duvet provides her with some comfort, perhaps not unlike a baby seeking comfort in suckling a mom's nipple. Her weeps subsides into a sob. Soon after, her sobs stops altogether. She wipes her tears, take another look at her mobile and with a sigh, she gets up and out of bed.
"What ever will be will be! I am not getting hurt because of you Firdaus!" she walks into her bathroom. She needs to be ready! She has a group discussion within an hour. She likes her group discussion. The presence of her buddies, cheers her up! The focus on intellectual discussion, activate her mind away from idle emotional state. She loves it too when Idham, the guy who speaks English with heavy Kelantan slang, teases her....with and about anything! Idham is not as good looking as Firdaus, but he is gentle and very funny. If she needs a reason to smile, she needs only to think of him. And in his presence, she grins non-stops and laughter comes naturally.
"Errmm, why am I comparing Idham to Firdaus!" she mumbles over the noise from her hair drier.
She chooses her favourite blouse, just nice for the spring time weather. Or is it, Idham's favourite blouse? Whatever. She smiles...and for the first time since last summer, she applies a red gloss lipstick to her lips. "Muahhzzz!" she made the sound as she pouted her lips and admires her own beauty.
"Happy birthday to me!" she said, and blows a kiss to herself in the mirror!
end.
(cerita rekaan semata2...hehehe....idham sempat juga inter-frame tu! ahaks!!)
Sempat... juga si Idham tu.
ReplyDeletePakpayne,
ReplyDeleteYe ke rekaan semata-mata? Bukan recollection masa Idham masih muda?
Idham is back??
ReplyDelete