Thursday with Joe...!

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Thursday with Joe!

do I took this picture when visiting Casablanca. Men ruminating......Thursday is my weekend in Dubai. I went to the gym in the afternoon to improve my blood circulation, to add oxygen supply to my brain and to burn off some of the calories from the farewell dinner the previous night.I felt good because I did something good for myself.Then I got a call from an old friend Joe who is living in Dubai. He asked to see me for dinner. Thus, the gist of this entry.Everyday, everybody hurts. In big or small way, we are snubbed everyday of our lives. Without realizing it, we let others down when we can't reciprocate their fondness for us, or we can't join the event they are organizing, for examples. So we constantly hurts those who we let down if they happen to take it personally. Very personally.Take a situation of my friend Joe for example. He is hurt because his children forgotten his birthday. He felt rejected. Amongst those rejected, people who can handle rejection better will feel better. Even a short text message like, "Hai dad, miss you" can bring much happiness and on the contrary words like, "mom ask me to ask when r u sending the school fees money " can hurt deeply.The question is what makes some people more sensitive than others over rejection? And how to handle rejection?I find myself asking these questions after talking to Joe over dinner at the Butcher's corner at the Emirates Mall, tonight. He was going through a depression, and I was a willing listener.Like me, he is an expat who has left his home country for a good fifteen years. Unlike me, he is single, having been married and divorced with three children who are living with his ex-wife. Unlike me, he is having a job and at no risk of losing it in the near future. A major difference between us however is in how we view life - I see a clear blue sky and he sees clouds hanging over his head.He spoke, and I chewed on my T-Bone steak slowly. He poured out his pain, frustration and ruminations. I sipped on my water melon juice and listened to his woes. Whenever he paused to pick at his rib-eye steak, I asked him more probing questions. Typically, my questions attracted more pause from him - not because he did not know the answer but he wasn't sure whether to say them out loud or to swallow them together with his half-chewed steak.To my question on why did he divorced his wife - what was the last straw which broke the camel's back, he responded with emotion in his voice, "I value relationship highly and sometimes I get disappointed and hurt because someone else does not value it as much as I do. My wife was one of those people. Too often, I was left to wonder whether she really loved me. For example she was always watching TV or at her computer when I was expecting her to pay attention to me. The final straw was too private for me to share, I hope you understand ".I felt for the guy. Recollecting his past with his ex-wife was hard for him. Perhaps I should not have asked. But I asked because I wanted to help him confront the truth - face the reality and do something about it.In my view, he is one of those people who spend far too much time ruminating or over thinking a situation. His mind has played trick on him, a form of self- sabotage. I am a believer that we need to snap out of our own rumination by finding a form of positive distraction. I am not a trained psychologist, so there is always a risk of being wrong in my hypothesis. But I was listening to him - and from experience, listening can't be too wrong.I asked a question about how he is doing at work. There were clouds there too - for he replied, "I felt somewhat like a voted out American Idol contestant. My colleagues always cut me off in meeting. My boss says I am good but not good enough for a promotion. The people who reports to me keep resigning. I think I am not recognized enough. I think I am not given a promotion I deserve because I refuse to play politics". I felt more concerned for the guy. His self-esteem was at a low. His self pity at a high. His productivity can't be that high if consider himself as a voted out contestant. Fortunately he was not working for me, for otherwise I may find myself having to counsel him out of his job. But fortunately also he is my friend, I wanted to help him bounce back!Then I asked who are his friends and whether he has friends at work? The reason for the question was for him to realize that he needs a network of friends who can support by feeding constant 'acceptance', ' sincere praises' and 'genuine feedback'. In my view, he badly needed those three but only from trusted people with proven relationship.His reply confirmed the worse, "Nobody. I don't trust anyone. I have lived away from my clan for far too long, and they are the only people I trust". Even superman needs recognitions and positive stroking. You need to rely on others too and can't behave like you are living on a deserted island. Therefore, a network of friends are important to have.We both did not finish our steak, and we both ordered coffee and a fruit platter for desert. The restaurant was getting busier from crowd who just came out from the cinemas. I asked whether he wanted to watch a movie with me? He declined saying that he prefer to use my time by talking.That was what we did until we have both done with two coffees and one bottle of Avian water too to wash the caffeine down. He did most of the talking and I did the listening. But it worked for him. When we were at the car park, he shook my hand and gave me a tight hug."Idham - good luck with your next job". He smiled as he got into his battered Land Cruiser.I guess that is why he is a good friend. Even in time of his darkness - he still remembered about my predicament."Take care Joe" I said as he drove past. I walked back into the mall to wait for my driver. A minute later, I received a text message on my mobile, "Id, TQ. Joe".I smiled. My weekend was well spent!
posted by idham @ Saturday, July 14, 2007

8 Comments:

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 3:50:00 AM , Cat Cat said...
En. Idham,Kesian Joe. Hopefully he will see the rainbow soon.

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 9:40:00 AM , ruby ahmad said...
Hi Id,Long time no hear. Reading this entry, I am reminded again that saying, 'You are what you think'. We have a big hand in our fate too. I agree, stop ruminating, just get on with it. Cheers.

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 11:14:00 PM , WAN ZUHA ISHAK said...
Kepercayaan daripada seorang kawan... Satu anugerah!!!

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 1:03:00 AM , D said...
I have no doubt that you are a good listener. Well done... May Joe find the true meaning of happiness soon, InsyaAllah. Errr.. have you suggested blogging to him? LOL!

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:54:00 AM , idham said...
cat cat...:)Joe is not his real name..and some of the facts have been modified to protect his privacy...idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:56:00 AM , idham said...
hai ruby....:)"whether we think we are okey or not okey - we are right!" -modified quote from Hnery Ford.Joe is quote determinded to end his single-hood. heheheany suitors?idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:58:00 AM , idham said...
wan zuha....:) don't worry....nama kawan dan rahsia asalnya tetap tersimpan....yang di paparkan cuma sipi2 dari perbualan kami....:)if the real 'joe' was to read this entry he will not even recognised the content except for the lunch venue.and by the way - he occassional reads.idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:59:00 AM , idham said...
D....i have. he reads blogs...includng urs....but he does not blog!idham
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